But… I have also taken a step back, thrown away the pills, dropped what I was holding, and stepped off the chair. I have overcome. I have persevered. I have challenged myself. I have surrived.
Getting to the point where I am now has been a journey that I may never fully understand. I want to share that story with others. I want to give others hope. I want to give others a reason to live.
When I was a young girl, my parents got a divorce leaving me to care for my younger brother. I had to be perfect: the perfect child, the perfect student, the perfect Christian, the perfect athletic, the perfect musician, the perfect friend, the perfect this, the perfect that. There was no question about it. This was how I lived my life. I was an unhappy child. I was bitter and closed off from the world.
Junior High came and things only got worse. Suicidal thoughts consumed my mind every moment of every day. I would think sleep would give me a break but it never did; instead I had nightmares that followed me into the hours of the day. I was a zombie in my own skin. Everything felt surreal as if I was watching a movie play before my eyes. The people around me were going about their life but I was just standing there watching; no one could see my presence. Not a single person knew what I was dealing with. No one knew that real me, I did not even know that real me. How could they; I was “the happiest person alive.” That was what everyone said about me. I was the one people turned to in times of need; I was the one that gave my time and energy to make sure everyone else was “okay.” I felt that if I tried to reach out for support I would be a burden or seen as weak and incapable. I did not want to be annoying or get in the way. I did not want others to worry or say that they cared for me; I knew their words would all be a lie. Dealing with these thoughts was unbearable. The emptiness consumed me. I needed to fill the hole or I would snap. In all regret, I turned to cutting. It started small. One cut here, one cut there. I thought I would be able to control it. Never was I so wrong in my life.
High School rolled around. I was at a loss. I did not know who I was or what my purpose in life was. From being bullied, to self harm, to being abused, and two suicide attempts, I do not know how I even graduated. I had no support. Even to this day, my family does not know what I went through (am going through). They are the most judgmental people around. I always knew I was independent, but that made it worse. I could not trust anyone. I thought I could deal with the pain myself. I was wrong. I felt as if my insides were burning or that someone was stabbing me in the gut all day long. I was at this war with myself. I wanted to die. I needed to die. I was tired of being myself.
By the grace of God I made it to college. I am here now about to graduate. Things are still difficult. The self harm has not stopped and the suicidal thoughts are not part of the past, but I am much happier. I am not out the darkness completely, but there is a part of me that knows I am going to do great things. I am going to change the world. I am going to inspire others.
You are not alone. Even when you think you are, you are not. I know that is hard and probably impossible to accept as truth. Know that I believe in you. You are amazing. Have courage and keep fighting that internal battle… YOU WILL WIN!
- Suicide Survivor